Monday, February 21, 2011

Eye See You :)

T is for Tube, originally uploaded by ~*~ KO ~*~.

I've actually been taking a LOT of pictures with my cell phone lately for my 365 project, simply because its handy, and I can edit and upload right to flickr without too much fuss - so when I heard the I Heart Faces theme was cell phone, I decided I should probably buck up and give it a shot :)

This was taken through a paper towel roll in honor of "T" day of the February Alphabet Challenge.

I'm hoping to participate more with I Heart Faces - it seems like a pretty friendly, fun community teeming with inspiration and uber talented photogs!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Working Mom's Guilt - Party of 1

I is for Identical {131/365}, originally uploaded by ~*~ KO ~*~.

I know what you're thinking. Its 1 AM - STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. I did. I swear - my other computer is shut down......I even turned off all the lights, and went into the kids' bedroom to do the final "Make sure they're tucked in before we go to bed" check....and that's when it all went down.


Side notes:

First off, I have PAI - Pat Absence insomnia. As in when he goes away for business, I can't sleep. No idea why. I'm thinking it has something to do with my bedroom being 20 degrees colder when he's gone, but its probably something deeper.

Second off, I'm totally and completely pre-mentrual, which I am SURE isn't helping things. But, maybe, I'll think of PMS like alcohol....what's the line??? Oh, En Vino Veritas.....


Like I said before - I shut everything down and walked away after watching two DVR'd gLee episodes (LOVE!), trying to force myself to at least lay down in my bedroom and see if sleep would find me (knowing that it wouldn't). Checked Liam - good to go - nice and toasty warm. Checked Lola........pulled her blanket over her, and she stirred and gave me a quick "What the heck, Mom? Why are you distrubing my slumber?" cock of the head......then laid back down. She fussed a bit when I tried to leave, so I went back in, rubbed her sweet little back for a quick second, and then decided at that exact second that I absolutely needed to hold her.

No, she wasn't really crying, and absolutely didn't need me to hold her, but I did. So I scooped her up, sat in our rocker, and held my sleepy, snuggly not so little girl.

And the water works just opened.

Gosh.....she's really not so little any more.

So there I am, sitting in the dark, disrupting my daughter's sleep, crying to myself and so sad because I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Thinking. Crying. Thinking some more. Wondering if it hurts because its not Even Stevens......I was home with Liam from 6 - 32 months, I kind of feel like I'm jipping her by going back to work when she was 8 months old.

Then it hit me.

Is it ever good enough? Am I ever good enough??

Shit. I thought I was crying before. I was all out bawling when that gem of a thought popped in my head. Well, as bawling as I could be while trying to not jiggle Lola too much by my sobs.

I sat there for damn near 30 minutes with my girl, then hoisted her not so little body back into the crib, where she quickly rolled over, snuggled her buddy and drifted into dreamland. My sweet sweet girl.


This really got me thinking - why is it that I (we) carry so much guilt? Is it built in? Is it inherited? Is it societal? I mean, I'm definitely harboring some serious, serious working Mom's guilt, that I'm sure many moms do at one point or another. But I don't know if it originates in my own insecurities as a person, or if its more of a "Grass is Always Greener" kind of situation. I'm not going to lie, being a SAHM was definitely not all sunshine and roses either!

In any feels terrible. Lucky for me tomorrow is Therapy Day, so hopefully I can add this to the list of other issues to work out :) I do know that putting it all into words feels better maybe I have a chance of sleeping....right after The Colbert Report is over :)