Wednesday, September 09, 2009


I'm kind of sort of freaking out about delivery of baby #2 - just over three weeks away now. Yes, I've had a c-section before, and everyone has said the 2nd, especially if its planned is a completely different, easier experience. Which is all good and well but I'm still freaking out about it all. And to be honest, I'm not sure that's the only thing I'm worried about. With the post-partum depression I had with Liam....I'm petrified to go through the whole ordeal again. I don't even think I bonded with him until after 6 weeks. I'm not looking forward to caring for a newborn again - and I'm doubly scared that Liam is going to hate my guts after we bring him/her home too.

I'm thankful that once again I'll have help here at the house for about a month after delivery (between my mom, dad & Pat's mom) I know at least Liam will be taken care of. I know we'll have meals because my mommy group friends will be bringing a couple by. I know that I'll have 1000 times better of a support system than when I had Liam because I've got a great network of friends that live relatively close.

I know all of these things. I want so very badly to let all this worry and "what ifs" go and not waste my energy on it, but its encompassing me!! Of course, this all might have something to do with the fact that I'm also not sleeping well at night and waking up at 5AM every morning (because that's as late as Liam will sleep). I also ache all over - am giant - and the biggest crabby pants on earth.


I wrote the above vent to some cyber friends earlier today, because I had been feeling so incredibly shitty as of late. I'm not sure why its always easier to spew feelings like this online, instead of calling a friend or talking to someone in person, but alas, its what I did, and maybe it will help foster conversation in the future. Its not like I can't talk about how I feel - its just that normally when I'm with my friends in person we're busy chasing after kiddos, and unless I can express myself in two succinct sentences my point isn't going to get across other than "I feel like Poo".

Not that its a bad thing - I actually think its hilarious. Our entire conversations are chopped up.....we could be mid point and then stop to shout "{insert kid name here} do NOT lick that pigeon!", then run off to prevent some sort of avian infection. Phone conversations are the same way. But I'm digressing.....

I thought about asking to meet up with people outside of playgroup, or even asking for someone to come and visit for a while so Liam could have someone to play with, but I feel like we're a bit isolated because of the distance between the 'burbs and the city. It is not insurmountable, mind you, but it does put a damper on things (especially when you want to do something in the afternoon, and don't want to fight all the crazies during rush hour traffic. Because that BLOWS chunks!).

I've tried to do some shopping therapy - because that's what I've turned to in the past when I'm feeling down....but that is tough to do on a restricted budget. Well, tough to do and avoid tremendous amounts of additional guilt. Luckily I've got a few gift cards up my sleeve, and buying mostly stuff for new baby which is checking stuff off of my list and helping to quell the nesting going on in my brain.

Shopping therapy never really gets to the root of the problem though. Its always just a temporary fix. So what is the root of the issue? I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm really, really pissed off that I can't seem to handle this all myself. I mean, I should be able to handle it all - I'm an adult dammit, but apparently I can't. Emotionally or physically, it seems. And it just makes me mad.

It didn't help today that my doctor's appointment didn't go all that well today either. Liam was a handful at the beginning....probably because he wasn't very happy about the 1.5 hour drive in (really it should take 40 minutes or so). But then he calmed down quite a bit. And physically I'm OK, and the baby is doing well. I was slightly worried that I had pre-eclampsia, mostly because I'm a hypochondriac but partly because I had a couple of bad headaches a couple days in a row. Turns out the BP is good to go - a steady 110/60. I also gained more weight this past two weeks than I had at any other appointment - 4 lbs - which explains why I feel so damn GIANT all of the sudden.....but I'm still in really good shape as far as weight gain goes (under 20 pounds as of today). But when the PA walks in and asks, "Honey, are you doing OK? you look slightly exhausted", that's never a good sign. You never want to look as bad as you feel. It was nice to let myself break down and cry for a while though.....

The fact of the matter is I'm tired, cranky, tired and achy, and although I muster up enough oomf to take care of Liam through the day, it doesn't leave much overflowing to take care of me. So I don't. Most of this stuff is popping up now because Pat has resumed somewhat of a more normal work schedule, meaning that he's gone most of the time instead of working from home more often....which has affected me more than I anticipated. That combined with Liam's obscenely early wake up call at 5AM, and poor sleep quality at night for me is apparently taking its toll.

So what to do? In the infamous words of Dory, "Just keep swimming....just keep swimming....just keep swimming swimming swimming". Through it all I'm going to keep monitoring things with my doctor, and make sure it is only exhaustion and it doesn't blow into a full depression before I even get to PPD...and keep reminding myself that its OK to ask for help.


EC said...

The last seven words sum it up (and yes I had to count on my fingers): it is ok to ask for help.

Hang in there, dear! You're a fabulous mama, Liam may take a bit to adjust but he'll get there and do great in his big brother role, and that little babe will steal your heart (hopefully sooner rather than later).

Big hugs to you!

Magical Me said...

I know I don't have kids or anything, but you know what my mom always said she used to think about to make her feel better? "Millions and millions and millions of women have done it before, and I'm better than most of them." She used to think about the women who were really alone, or super poor, and it made her feel a bit better.

If I were you, I would tape little notes on the mirror to pick you up. Sounds cheesy, but I did that when I moved into college freshman year and you would be surprised at how much it works. "One day at a time." "You are awesome." "You have the best family in the world."

And if you do it, tell Pat not to make fun of you :)