We're managing :)

Day 3 or so of being solitos....and things appear to be going well. Its about 1,000 times easier when Pat is around to help, but since he has to go out and work and bring home the bacon, I suppose I should just suck it up and learn how to do it well on my own.

That doesn't mean I have to like it though.

I don't like anything really that I don't excel at right off the bat. And believe you me, although I thought I was a pretty good Mom to Liam, juggling two is definitely an acquired area of expertise. I'm short tempered, angry, and in general, Super Seniorita Crankypants. I suppose it stems from many, many things in life coming pretty easy to me....(sports, education, etc.) so when things aren't natural I tend to bitch and whine and kick dirt in your general direction.

Just like the sport of golf (which I also sucked at big time at first...and now the only thing I continue to pursue despite my mediocrity), I'm sure I'll grow to love being a mother of two (even when I'm all by myself) and enjoy it, even when it continues to push me and kick my ass.

:::::::::::::::::::::::: EMOTIONS ::::::::::::::::::::::::

Emotionally I'm still hanging in there - I've only managed to break down and bawl my eyes out once since Lola's arrival (well, unless you count when my Mom left to go back home...but that's different). It was at the end of the first day, and I was so angry at the world. Mostly I was mad at myself for allowing the effin' up of Liam's life. I know, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but I was in no condition to be argued against. I just felt like I spent 95% of the day yelling at him because he wouldn't listen to me. Its like my mind completely forgot that he's TWO and not an 18 year old PFC. *sigh* Pat is a smart man...he just let me vent, and gently reminded me that tomorrow is a new day.

:::::::::::::::::::::::: BIG BOY BED ::::::::::::::::::::::::

We went to IKEA and purchased Liam a new big boy bed. We were just going to buy a mattress and put it on the floor (so he couldn't fall down very far if he fell out) but we found a cute little frame to drop it in as well. Hopefully, he'll start taking naps in it without too much trouble, then we'll move him into it for night time as well. He thinks its cool, and has started spending time laying on it and reading books. The hardest part is going to be getting him to lay / sleep / sit on it and not jump on it. I think we made the right decision on not getting a spring mattress - we went with foam instead - which cuts down on the jumpability factor right off the bat.

:::::::::::::::::::::::: HALLOWEEN ::::::::::::::::::::::::

Liam has a slight fascination with pumpkins / jack-o-lanterns, which I think stems from a couple of great books given to him by his Grandmas. He loves looking at them from afar when he's in the car, and he loves to carry them around (or at least try). He likes to tell us what kind of face they have on - happy, sad, angry or even surprised! He was actually devastated when we carved ours and left them out on the front porch....he really, really, wanted them to come back inside!

So we were so excited when Aunt Moe said we could borrow the Pumpkin Costume that Grandma O'Brien had made. He's worn it every day for the past couple of days! The cutest thing is when he says he's NOT a pumpkin, he's a Jack-O-Lantern. Or, when he practices his "Trick Or Treat!". He's generally a pretty shy kid, so it will be interesting to see if he actually says it while we're out in the 'hood.

Here's a quick photo of our practicing pumpkin, and another of our spooky halloween decorations! I'm so excited to finally have them out!


:::::::::::::::::::::::: LOLA'S SICK :( ::::::::::::::::::::::::

Liam had a slight little cold last week, and has since given it to his little sister. No fever or anything, and she's still eating like a champ - so we haven't done much about it. However, last night she started getting a little too congested for my taste, so I think we'll finally head to the doctor today. It just breaks my heart to hear her struggle to get her nose cleared up! I wish she had the brains to know it is much, much easier to breathe clearly when she sucks on her binky, but she doesn't appear to care much.

FREAKING out!!

I'm kind of sort of freaking out about delivery of baby #2 - just over three weeks away now. Yes, I've had a c-section before, and everyone has said the 2nd, especially if its planned is a completely different, easier experience. Which is all good and well but I'm still freaking out about it all. And to be honest, I'm not sure that's the only thing I'm worried about. With the post-partum depression I had with Liam....I'm petrified to go through the whole ordeal again. I don't even think I bonded with him until after 6 weeks. I'm not looking forward to caring for a newborn again - and I'm doubly scared that Liam is going to hate my guts after we bring him/her home too.

I'm thankful that once again I'll have help here at the house for about a month after delivery (between my mom, dad & Pat's mom)....so I know at least Liam will be taken care of. I know we'll have meals because my mommy group friends will be bringing a couple by. I know that I'll have 1000 times better of a support system than when I had Liam because I've got a great network of friends that live relatively close.

I know all of these things. I want so very badly to let all this worry and "what ifs" go and not waste my energy on it, but its encompassing me!! Of course, this all might have something to do with the fact that I'm also not sleeping well at night and waking up at 5AM every morning (because that's as late as Liam will sleep). I also ache all over - am giant - and the biggest crabby pants on earth.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;

I wrote the above vent to some cyber friends earlier today, because I had been feeling so incredibly shitty as of late. I'm not sure why its always easier to spew feelings like this online, instead of calling a friend or talking to someone in person, but alas, its what I did, and maybe it will help foster conversation in the future. Its not like I can't talk about how I feel - its just that normally when I'm with my friends in person we're busy chasing after kiddos, and unless I can express myself in two succinct sentences my point isn't going to get across other than "I feel like Poo".

Not that its a bad thing - I actually think its hilarious. Our entire conversations are chopped up.....we could be mid point and then stop to shout "{insert kid name here} do NOT lick that pigeon!", then run off to prevent some sort of avian infection. Phone conversations are the same way. But I'm digressing.....

I thought about asking to meet up with people outside of playgroup, or even asking for someone to come and visit for a while so Liam could have someone to play with, but I feel like we're a bit isolated because of the distance between the 'burbs and the city. It is not insurmountable, mind you, but it does put a damper on things (especially when you want to do something in the afternoon, and don't want to fight all the crazies during rush hour traffic. Because that BLOWS chunks!).

I've tried to do some shopping therapy - because that's what I've turned to in the past when I'm feeling down....but that is tough to do on a restricted budget. Well, tough to do and avoid tremendous amounts of additional guilt. Luckily I've got a few gift cards up my sleeve, and buying mostly stuff for new baby which is checking stuff off of my list and helping to quell the nesting going on in my brain.

Shopping therapy never really gets to the root of the problem though. Its always just a temporary fix. So what is the root of the issue? I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm really, really pissed off that I can't seem to handle this all myself. I mean, I should be able to handle it all - I'm an adult dammit, but apparently I can't. Emotionally or physically, it seems. And it just makes me mad.

It didn't help today that my doctor's appointment didn't go all that well today either. Liam was a handful at the beginning....probably because he wasn't very happy about the 1.5 hour drive in (really it should take 40 minutes or so). But then he calmed down quite a bit. And physically I'm OK, and the baby is doing well. I was slightly worried that I had pre-eclampsia, mostly because I'm a hypochondriac but partly because I had a couple of bad headaches a couple days in a row. Turns out the BP is good to go - a steady 110/60. I also gained more weight this past two weeks than I had at any other appointment - 4 lbs - which explains why I feel so damn GIANT all of the sudden.....but I'm still in really good shape as far as weight gain goes (under 20 pounds as of today). But when the PA walks in and asks, "Honey, are you doing OK? you look slightly exhausted", that's never a good sign. You never want to look as bad as you feel. It was nice to let myself break down and cry for a while though.....

The fact of the matter is I'm tired, cranky, tired and achy, and although I muster up enough oomf to take care of Liam through the day, it doesn't leave much overflowing to take care of me. So I don't. Most of this stuff is popping up now because Pat has resumed somewhat of a more normal work schedule, meaning that he's gone most of the time instead of working from home more often....which has affected me more than I anticipated. That combined with Liam's obscenely early wake up call at 5AM, and poor sleep quality at night for me is apparently taking its toll.

So what to do? In the infamous words of Dory, "Just keep swimming....just keep swimming....just keep swimming swimming swimming". Through it all I'm going to keep monitoring things with my doctor, and make sure it is only exhaustion and it doesn't blow into a full depression before I even get to PPD...and keep reminding myself that its OK to ask for help.

Learning how to fly

Liam and I were walking around the neighborhood this evening when we saw the coolest thing :) A new bird taking it's first flight. Well, I'm not sure if it was it's first flight EVER, but that's what I'm calling it in my head. We stopped for a good two minutes (which in Liam minutes is about an hour) and just watched him in the tree, flitting about, looking so very relieved that it landed safely in a tree. You could still see a bit of baby bird fluff on its head and neck, and even a bit of uncertainty in its eyes, not sure exactly what is coming next, but excited... I couldn't believe that Liam was so interested - like he knew it was something cool and special.

OK, maybe I'm reading a bit too much into it all, but it certainly was neat-o.

And fitting - especially since I'm embarking on a new adventure as of this evening. Pat went on a business trip, and Liam and I are flying solo for a couple of days - first time in the new house! Not a big deal to most people, but kind of a big deal to me. I'm a wuss. I don't do well in new places. I don't like being alone. Typically when Pat leaves I stay up way way LATE (like 2AM) until I can't possibly keep my eyes open anymore, and only then can I sleep. That's OK for one night. Not for multiple nights. Definitely not OK for a 5:30-6AM toddler wake up call that Daddy takes care of 90% of the time. Yeah, I really don't like doing all the work myself. Especially when I'm knocked up, vulnerable and whiney.

I thought I might go camping while Pat was gone, but that didn't work out because my body does not cooperate with the un-cushy-ness of camp chairs, not to mention the 6 hour drive. Then I thought I might enlist my cousin and kiddo to come stay with us...but then I realized that request is a little ridiculous. Its like asking someone to babysit yourself (thanks A, for not saying so at the time). Alas, I am an adult, it is my home and I think I've been here long enough where I can handle it on my own.

I think.

*le sigh*

The hardest part of this process is admiting my co-dependancy. Aformentioned cousin A says its OK to rely on each other when you're in a marriage. I suppose she's right. It just takes some getting used to admiting it all...

Zombie-licious

That's pretty much what I feel like today. A big, giant, flesh eating zombie. OK, minus the flesh eating part. I didn't sleep well last night (as I haven't the past few months or so) and I'm paying for it today. It was a combination of not being able to fall asleep until 1:30AM, and then waking up at 4:30 and not being able to fall back asleep. *sigh* it really blows. I'm going to do my best to contain my thoughts in an easily followable train of thought, but I really am in no position to make guarantees.

I'm a lucky girl - Liam has been quite content to play with himself & his cars this morning, so I've had minimal entertaining other than providing breakfast. He also hasn't complained too much about my musical choice (Jack Johnson on shuffle) so I've got that going for me. I've also had a semi productive morning thus far - I've placed two orders, one for Origins skin care and another for some computer stuff (Wacom Tablet, YAY!). I also somehow already managed to shower myself, dress, make coffee and eat, too.

< Rant > When I lost my job I decided I wasn't going splurge and purchase expensive skin care. Since then my skin has gone haywire. I realize part of that is being pregnant, but really, I enjoyed my products and felt good when I used them. So I decided I'm worth at least that. It might be $75 two or three times a year, but I'll scrimp and save to make it work. Because the $5 Oil of Olay stuff just isn't doing it for me. I cringe every time I put it on my face. And it doesn't smell pretty. < /end rant >

Can you believe its been about a year, to the day, since I was relieved from my corporate duties? Wow. That blows my mind. One year without having a real job. One year without having a car. I'm continuing to look, but to be honest there still isn't much out there. And I'm really enjoying (most days) taking care of Liam. Especially when we go to the park and see Nannies for the most part ignoring the kids and talking on the phone or texting. It's been a good year - we're still holding our own financially (thanks in part to Uncle Sam and Mr. Unemployment), but that will all end in another month....so it will be another interesting transition - one that I have no doubt that we'll conquer, even with adding another mouth to feed. I'm planning on ramping up the photography business, which has been holding its own without much tending over the past few months. So I feel safe.

I spoke too soon....Liam is demanding attention. Doesn't he know that I'm BUSY!??! The nerve of that child! *sigh* Whew - he's off to play in his fort. This is my other issue. I'm very short tempered and not able to dedicate much to anyone these days, especially Pat & Liam.....which is sad. It is improving since the first trimester has passed. I feel better for the most part, and I'm able to eat most things which is giving me a bit of energy. I'm still so tired constantly. And unable to deal with the easiest of tasks. Its frustrating!!! I'm not sure if the craziness and moodiness will pass as the nausea did (my bet is no) but hopefully Pat can continue to put up with it for 6 months. He's been amazing thus far, and surprised me with his patience and support.

The whole home selling thing isn't helping much either. I feel like I'm living in someone else's house, and its getting old pretty quick. I think we've been back on the market for about two months now. Still getting a pretty consistent flow of people, good feedback. I know there is someone out there....I'm just impatient and impetuous about it all (which, btw, isn't a correct use of that word, but I like the way it sounds so I'm keeping it in there).

OK. I suppose I've ignored my child long enough. It looks like it might be nice enough to go out for a walk, so I think we will....as soon as I finish this coffee.

Sleep, why doest thee elude me?

I've been having issues the past week or so falling asleep. As in, not falling asleep until 1:30 - 2:30 in the AM. Very distressing, especially since little peanut gets up without fail at around 6AM. No wonder I've been so cranky in the morning. First night I thought I took my allergy meds too late in the day (those will keep me up for HOURS)....the second night I thought I drank too much coffee too late in the day (which I do, but it usually doesn't have that effect on me). Then I realized its just my mind racing. I don't give it enough decompress time throughout the day, so my thoughts come a racin' at night. So I need to quit the TV & internet about a half hour before bed so I can journal or just think. So far how am I doing? I'm blogging at 10:30 when Pat's already gone to bed.

I've also got a notepad and pen bedside so if I do have a great idea I can jot it down and revisit it in the morning....that way I can let it go at night. That seemed to work OK. Also, practicing some yoga / deep breathing / meditation / relaxation techniques seem to help as well....but I don't have very good control over my mind yet, so it still tends to wander. Of course, if all else fails at 2AM is quickly approaching, I can always wake Pat up to get it on ;o) He's always happy to help cure insomnia that way (sorry Mom - it had to be said).

So what does my mind race about? Mostly the photography business - I've got so many ideas, so many things to do....and yet throughout the course of the day they don't seem to get done. Either because I'm chasing Liam, or because I get stuck in the never ending rut of Facebook (that site is like Crack to me).

Side note: Liam, Pat & I went to the dentist yesterday to get some cleanin' done. Looks like I may have the beginnings of my very first cavity. I have to make an appoinment to get it taken care of in the next couple of months....but just thinking of it makes me want to pass out. I get so anxious about stuff like that. I should be thankful I've gone 31 years avoiding the drill....but instead I'm panicked about getting a filling! Will someone come and hold my hand??

OK - things that are important to do this week:

• Get brows waxed (they are OUT of control)
• Movie night with the Momfia crew (yay! I need my girlz!)
• More photo editing :)
• Dessert night with the Thursday Playgroup ladies!
• Get some sleep!
• Start / finish book 3 of the Twilight Series (thank you, Jamie, for hooking me on this...)
• Change my blogwear....its way past Christmas now.....
  
• Blog about the idea I had last night, then forgot about, then remembered because I wrote it down, but then forgot again and can't write about it because its all the way in the bedroom.
  

*phew*. OK, I think I'll get off the computer now.....just as soon as I check my facebook newsfeed....

Sweet little boy...

2009-01-10 Random 05, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

When he's not whining my ears off, he's actually kind of cute. Today, he woke up whining, and hasn't stopped. I suppose I'm posting this picture to remind myself that he is an adorable little thing.....even if it does feel like blood is dripping out of my ears at the moment.

Ups and downs.

I suppose Parenthood is way too similar to a violent, thrashing, exciting, scary, super fun roller coaster. In order to get those high highs, you've got to come crashing down at some point too. Yesterday I had quite possibly the most perfect of days - Liam was happy, not too whiney, interactive but not clingy. He indulged me and my camera, and we had a great time playing lots of different games. But, he was content to play by himself too. We managed to get out of the house without too much drama, and had a nice time playing at the Swedish American Museum again.

Today is the polar opposite. I didn't get to shower. It took a lot of brute strength I had to wrangle Liam into his too small snowpants and get us bundled up to walk in the 15 degree cold. Liam did NOT want to cover his face with a scarf - the zipper of his coat (which has been on the fritz for the past week) officially gave out and I had to rig it (using pliers and a screwdriver) to get it to stay closed. We *had* to get out of the house to go to a music class that I was sooo very much looking forward to attending. Had I not been so excited for this class I would have totally given up and stayed inside.

It was much colder than I expected outside. The bus was no where to be seen and the wind was whipping straight into our faces.

We get to class. Liam was velcroed to me the entire time, and completely freaked out every time the teacher broke out the guitar. I had to use every ounce of my being to not loose it and start crying in the middle of class. I probably would have if the teacher hadn't been so great and the mood of the class so welcoming and warm. I really enjoyed myself when Liam wasn't crying, even if he wasn't participating much. Liam did really dig the drum sticks and the instrument play. At the end of class the teacher (Madame Julie) reassured me that some kids just need a little time to adjust, and he'll get acclimated as he gets used to the routine. I knew that, but it was still nice to hear as well.

Really, it was mostly my fault. Class time (9:30) is just about snack time, and I didn't feed him before we went. Lesson learned. Hopefully next week will be better.

Besides all this every diaper change has been like a limb amputation.....I have to miss Thursday Playgroup yet again because of his one nap schedule....and every time I get NEAR the computer he runs toward me and turns the whine up to 11. And, my friends, its not even noon yet. But, alas, after a yogurt and banana snack, now the babe sleeps.

I've used a lot of coping skills today. Mostly stepping back, taking a deep breath or two, and counting to three. Those are good skills to have and to practice, right? And rest assured, the roller coaster will go up again, and I will continue to enjoy the ride.

Playgroup-O-Rama

Today we had a lovely playgroup at Kate, Josie & Nico's home in Wicker Park. Good times - good peeps - and wonderful chocolate chip cookies. It would have been perfect, had it not been for Liam's SUPREMO whiney-ness. Seriously - it was annoying. He is totally a mamma's boy, that I will not dispute. And honestly, most times its kind of cute. I definitely don't mind being the center of his world. But today he could not be more than one foot away from me without crying / whining / whimpering. If I did sneak away for a second while he was distracted by a toy, he would turn, look for me and start CRY-ING. My playgroup mamas know by now to just pick him up and to go look for me, because there is nothing else he wants. I mean, come ON - am I not allowed to go away for two seconds to get a cup of coffee?? ReallY??? It is EXHAUSTING dealing with that sometimes.

Especially since the playgroup is supposed to be a time for him to interact and be social, not to mention a time for me to hang out with super cool chicks. But noisy situations, lots of people, just isn't his gig. He didn't want to share his goldfish, didn't want to be touched by any of the other kids, didn't want to share any toys....NOTHING. He was fine if I took him away from the group to play quietly.......Maybe he's just anti-social??? Any ideas??? HELP!!!