Eye See You :)

T is for Tube, originally uploaded by ~*~ KO ~*~.

I've actually been taking a LOT of pictures with my cell phone lately for my 365 project, simply because its handy, and I can edit and upload right to flickr without too much fuss - so when I heard the I Heart Faces theme was cell phone, I decided I should probably buck up and give it a shot :)

This was taken through a paper towel roll in honor of "T" day of the February Alphabet Challenge.

I'm hoping to participate more with I Heart Faces - it seems like a pretty friendly, fun community teeming with inspiration and uber talented photogs!

Working Mom's Guilt - Party of 1

I is for Identical {131/365}, originally uploaded by ~*~ KO ~*~.

I know what you're thinking. Its 1 AM - STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. I did. I swear - my other computer is shut down......I even turned off all the lights, and went into the kids' bedroom to do the final "Make sure they're tucked in before we go to bed" check....and that's when it all went down.

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Side notes:

First off, I have PAI - Pat Absence insomnia. As in when he goes away for business, I can't sleep. No idea why. I'm thinking it has something to do with my bedroom being 20 degrees colder when he's gone, but its probably something deeper.

Second off, I'm totally and completely pre-mentrual, which I am SURE isn't helping things. But, maybe, I'll think of PMS like alcohol....what's the line??? Oh, En Vino Veritas.....

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Like I said before - I shut everything down and walked away after watching two DVR'd gLee episodes (LOVE!), trying to force myself to at least lay down in my bedroom and see if sleep would find me (knowing that it wouldn't). Checked Liam - good to go - nice and toasty warm. Checked Lola........pulled her blanket over her, and she stirred and gave me a quick "What the heck, Mom? Why are you distrubing my slumber?" cock of the head......then laid back down. She fussed a bit when I tried to leave, so I went back in, rubbed her sweet little back for a quick second, and then decided at that exact second that I absolutely needed to hold her.

No, she wasn't really crying, and absolutely didn't need me to hold her, but I did. So I scooped her up, sat in our rocker, and held my sleepy, snuggly not so little girl.

And the water works just opened.

Gosh.....she's really not so little any more.

So there I am, sitting in the dark, disrupting my daughter's sleep, crying to myself and so sad because I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Thinking. Crying. Thinking some more. Wondering if it hurts because its not Even Stevens......I was home with Liam from 6 - 32 months, I kind of feel like I'm jipping her by going back to work when she was 8 months old.

Then it hit me.



Is it ever good enough? Am I ever good enough??



Shit. I thought I was crying before. I was all out bawling when that gem of a thought popped in my head. Well, as bawling as I could be while trying to not jiggle Lola too much by my sobs.

I sat there for damn near 30 minutes with my girl, then hoisted her not so little body back into the crib, where she quickly rolled over, snuggled her buddy and drifted into dreamland. My sweet sweet girl.

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This really got me thinking - why is it that I (we) carry so much guilt? Is it built in? Is it inherited? Is it societal? I mean, I'm definitely harboring some serious, serious working Mom's guilt, that I'm sure many moms do at one point or another. But I don't know if it originates in my own insecurities as a person, or if its more of a "Grass is Always Greener" kind of situation. I'm not going to lie, being a SAHM was definitely not all sunshine and roses either!

In any case....it feels terrible. Lucky for me tomorrow is Therapy Day, so hopefully I can add this to the list of other issues to work out :) I do know that putting it all into words feels better though.....so maybe I have a chance of sleeping....right after The Colbert Report is over :)

If Shoes Could Kill {7-365}

If Shoes Could Kill {7-365}, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

The following is a dictation of a voice memo I recorded on my iPhone as I was driving home after taking my very first self portrait, one week ago. Hooray! I made it a whole week! I should have included it under my first blog post, but since I already blogged that pic, I just included pic #7 :)

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So today I took my first self portrait, um....which I am going to entitle "The Long Road Ahead". And.....*sigh*, I've basically been inspired by my flickr friends, and I see these portraits they take of themselves every single day, and I realize that it takes a tremendous amount of dedication. But it’s incredible inspiring to see someone take a project like this, and the boundaries that it pushes and the stretching of their, um, not only their photography skills but just their imagination, and see the journey that they take is, it’s just been inspiring. And I, and I, find myself thinking about this on a daily basis, and I think its maybe because I spend so much time driving, and I see a lot of the country side and I think to myself "Oh! That would make a great spot for a self portrait!" or "that's so pretty! I should take a self portrait" or "maybe it’s time for me to start a Face Down Tuesday". And, just, it’s been....enough is enough! And I just, finally today decided to do it. So I drove past this spot and I looked down a long road and I'm like "Wow! That would make a nice backdrop for a self portrait". And I'm like, "You know what?? Turn the car around. I have the time, let’s just do it!” It took all of five minutes, sure it will take me about five minutes to post process and post it. And, you know, if I can take 15 minutes a day to do something for myself, then you know what, I probably should really should make an effort to do it.

And I think partly, you know when I think about it why do I want to do this project. Well, not that I need more things to do. But, I really just want to do something photographically that's, that's for me. And again, the stretching the boundaries of my photography skills, and um, stretching my imagination and and and maybe learning to see things a little bit differently and more creatively.

And really, how fun would it be for my children to look back on this year and see a part of my life every day. And I just think that’s really awesome! Um....And another part of it is learning to see myself a little bit differently. Uhhh, I've got a long, *chuckle* I've got a long road ahead, I've got a long way to go as far as loving myself and my body image, and um, I think that maybe a project like this might be able to help me appreciate myself a little bit more, um, from a strictly beauty standpoint. And, I'm looking forward to that journey; I'm looking forward to that long road ahead.

So I know it’s going to be difficult. I know it’s going to be, um, not necessarily time consuming, but just the dedication required is, is going to be a tremendous amount. But, um, thank you to Cynthia & Jes & Lauren, &, um, for showing me that something like this can be incredibly fun, and even if I'm too tired at the end of the day to put any thought into anything than that's OK too. And um, I'm just really looking forward to taking part in this!

The Long Road Ahead {1-365}

The Long Road Ahead {1-365}, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

I decided to start a 365 project.....and why wait til January 1 when there's nothing like today to seize the moment!

Pre-6AM...Before the light of dawn.

House-8, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

What before 6AM looks like in our home on weekends. During the week, I'm up shortly after 5AM when my alarm clock (AKA Little Man) wakes up. Weekends, we postpone getting out of bed as long as possible. Sure, it means suffering through Little Einsteins or Clifford. But well worth the snuggles!

Pre-6AM...Before the light of dawn.

House-8, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

What before 6AM looks like in our home on weekends. During the week, I'm up shortly after 5AM when my alarm clock (AKA Little Man) wakes up. Weekends, we postpone getting out of bed as long as possible. Sure, it means suffering through Little Einsteins or Clifford. But well worth the snuggles!

Happy Birthday Sister!

BG-104, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

OK - its posted here a few days late.....her actual birthday was September 4th, but I really wanted to show the world how beautiful she is!

Liam being cute :)

Maddox-99, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

Lola's been getting all the blog love, so I thought I should probably give Liam some spotlight time too :)

Liam being cute :)

Maddox-99, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

Lola's been getting all the blog love, so I thought I should probably give Liam some spotlight time too :)

Hi ho! HI HO! Its off to work I go!

FairyPrincessLola-1, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

(side note: this photo has nothing to do with this post.....its just of Lola being cute - with WINGS!)

A month has passed. 30 days. Man, can things change a lot! I was never really all that excited, as you can imagine. Who gets excited to slave away for The Man for 40 hours? I was also not excited because I came to the realization that I really did not want to work. At all. At that point though, it was too late to back out, so I had to press through.

Which I am still doing at this point. Pressing through.

Let us start with the positives…shall we?

1. Thankfully the least of our worries was the daycare. Even with the adjustment for Liam I think Poko Loko rocks. They’re happy, courteous and communicative on every level, and the kids are so happy and content when we pick them up. It’s a great feeling to know they are thriving there.

2. The company I’m working for is so far, living up to its expectation as a family owned Christian company. The people here are amazing – incredibly nice and go out of their way to make sure I’m feeling welcome and that my basic needs are taken care of. I really enjoy my bosses, and I think they are great guys to work for.

3. $$$ is nice.

4. Pat and I are communicating more. This is an unexpected, but very welcome, benefit. We talk on the phone now just because (i.e. because I’m bored) and because we don’t have kids running amuk to chase after.

For as cranky as I was the first couple of days, I didn’t think I was even going to make it a month. But I have. And its improving. Here’s the deal: It’s a big adjustment. For all parties involved. Yes, I’m sure you all know that, but think about how much of an adjustment its going to be, and then multiply it by 100. Then you’re getting closer.

The kids were cranky (well, at least Liam was….Lola didn’t care much) for a good couple of weeks, and I was operating on survival mode. Poor Pat, well, Pat was acting as resident Superdad/Superhusband…..doing everything in his power to make the household run smoothly, and to make my life easier (side note: he still continues to do so……and I if I loved him 100% before, than I can’t even begin to describe how much more I love him now….he’s incredible and amazing and I don’t know where I’d be without him).

So what’s the problem, you ask?

That’s a great question. I think it has the most to do with A) Not quite enough work to fill all the time and B) not knowing exactly what I’m doing. Mostly the latter. I despise not knowing what I’m doing. It angers me. And frustrates me. And then angers me some more. I realize that there is a learning curve, and I’m not expected to know everything there is to know after only a month on the job, but I feel like I should be contributing more and being more productive, and its just not happening. That’s the perfectionist in me….I can keep her under control most times, but every once in a while she rears her ugly head.

The commute blows. I’ve never had a commute more than 30 minutes. Going from zero commute to an hour blows. I don’t mind driving. Its just that its taking time away from my family that makes me cranky. I suppose I’m getting used to it though. And it does give me 2 hours a day of quiet…or noisy if you take into account my NPR podcasts or booty music blasting.

The last thing that stinks…..is that my body is falling apart. Seriously. At the seams! I’ve had issues with my wrists, my jaw, my neck, and most recently, my feet! I’m attributing this to the stress of transition, and fact that I am a hypochondriac. Buy a hypochondriac with real symptoms. For example: Since starting work I have athlete’s foot. Yes, I know. TMI. Work with me here. Hot weather + to small work boots = prime conditions for fungus growth. Its pretty severe (at least in my mind) and looks less like athlete’s foot and more like a Fast Mutating Flesh Eating Bubonic Plague Based Bacteria. I’ll spare you the photographs, but rest assured, ladies and germs, this fungus is eating my feet (or at least my two smallest toes) ALIVE! So much so, that last night I was concerned that I was running out of skin, and soon where my toes should be there will be nothing left but bloody, bone exposed nubs.

And I was almost throwing myself into a panic attack thinking about it while Pat chuckled not quietly enough to himself about my woes. Bastard! If only he weren’t so devastatingly handsome and amazing….

OK. I suppose I’ll start bitching now and get working….it is getting better, I can only hope that it continues to improve.

Peek-A-Boo! Happy 9 months Lola

Peek-A-Boo!, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

My sweet little baby girl hit the 9 month mark on July 2 – I know, I can’t believe it either. I went into her bedroom last night to give her little (big) head a good night and to tousle her sprouting hair, and I was marveling at how much she’s grown. Yes, its her job. Yes, I’m a little wistful anyway.

We had a check up after we returned from vacation, and she’s still growing like a champ, and still at the 90-95th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference. A dainty little daisy she is NOT, but that’s just how I like her. Lots of chunk for me to nom and smootch all the live long day. I can’t remember the exact statistics, but she’s somewhere around 22 pounds, which is the only number that matters to my back anyway.

This photo is from a little early 9 month photo shoot - and I now realize I haven't uploaded any of the other shots....I guess that's what happens when you get busy and things get pushed aside to make room for other crazieness!

Anywhoozers - she's not crawling yet (hooray!) yes, I'm excited she's still stationary. Easier for me to catch, less work :) But it won't be long. She scootches herself all over the place though, on her belly, backwards, and she's really great at pushing herself back up to sitting. Even getting a little bit of up on the knees and rocking, and pulling herself up to standing. So really, I know it won't be long.

She loves to talk. A lot. To anyone and anything that will listen. And I love her little noises. Especially in the morning when she starts talking to her buddy (pictured above) in her crib. Its the most beautiful sound! It would make me laugh every morning when we were camping, because she was SO LOUD so very early each morning, but you couldn't be angry because the noises were so cute :) If only every alarm clock was so happy!

Happy 9 months little girl - I so love watching you grow!

Grandma Smootches

Ludington-296, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

One more photo from vacation! This is Lola getting some wonderful smootchies from Grandma Dora. I hope my kids enjoy all the photos I have of them with their Great-Grandma....I think I only have one, and I always thought it was pretty darn cool.

I love this photo because Lola's eyes are so blue, and her little arm is so relaxed and so CHUBTASTIC! Her cheeks are so kissable. And look how UNwrinkly Grandma is!? Amazing! She's 88-ish, and looks incredible :) I hope I get those good skin genes! Love you Grams!

What a ride!

PR-114, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

We had an amazing vacation in Michigan - filled with visits to Ludington, Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore (where this photo was taken at Point Betsie Lighthouse) and finally Mackinaw City for the Mayer Family Reunion.

I can't possibly list all the things we did and saw.....it would take me a novel.

Suffice it to say we had a great time with our family, relaxing, and being unplugged for a while. Now, we're back in Chicago and I'm starting a new venture in life back in the corporate world. Its been an interesting few days....I'll keep you posted.

For now, I'll keep solstice in these photographs, reminders of a time not so long ago when life was more simple, and there was nothing more to do than enjoying the view of a beautiful sunset.

I don't think its sunken in yet.....

After a little over two years of unemployment, I officially accepted a job offer today.

I still don't think its sunken in yet.

I'll be a process engineer for a family owned business in Mokena, Il....playing in rocks and dirt :) This opportunity literally fell in my lap last week, after they found my resume on ConstructionJobs.com - I signed up on that website after Pat's suggestion shortly after I lost my job.....so I guess that means I owe this opportunity to him?? LOL.

I've enjoyed this break from the corporate world, but I must say I've enjoyed being a Stay at Home Mom less than I expected I would. Especially since the birth of Lola, I've struggled with a lot of unexplained anger issues / depression / general malaise......and although therapy is helping, I think there is more to it. The anger portion is the most frustrating. Those of you who know me, I don't think, would describe me as an angry person.

I'm not thrilled with the idea of leaving my kids in the care of someone else.....but I'm kind of excited for them to not be with me all day......

I'm not sure that going back to work full time is the answer to all my issues......but I'm not sure its NOT the answer, either. Does that make sense? I guess the truth is there is no right or wrong answer - in either case my kids will be great, and in the end its what makes me a healthier, happier more mentally stable person that counts most. I feel like I'm taking this opportunity because its a great company, and I think I can make a significant and immediate impact......

This changes the outlook of my photography business, too. Just means I'll fulfill my current appointments and be taking limited sessions in the future.....

This post is full of..........'s. Very indicative of how I feel right now though.......

She's a daddy's girl!

There was a time when Pat was so worried....because truth be told, Lola didn't like him very much. She was pretty attached to me, and no one else.

There's no doubt about it now :) She looooves her Daddy!

We've gotten tons of comments from various people saying how much she looks like Pat. So Liam looks like Pat, Lola looks like Pat...but Liam and Lola don't really look like each other. Apparently I was just the cooking vessel.

I'm starting to see the resemblance between Lola and Pat more and more lately. Especially her smile. She does this little smirk that always reminds me of this photograph Pat's mom sent me to fix for her a few years ago. I finally got around to searching for it so I could do a comparison. Yup. Sure enough.....same sweet little smirk, and a carbon copy little nose :) She even has a sweet little dimple on the same side (although you can't see it here - I flipped the photo to compare from similar vantage points...so Lola is actually a mirror of her actual self!).

I think Pat was closer to 18 months in this photo (Lola was 6 months), but you can definitely see a resmblance!

Tough Day.....

Occasionally, Liam will have these days where he's constantly whining, crying, and battling me at every corner. Instead of getting upset, I try to just give him a hug and say "I'm sorry you're having a tough day". Somehow it seems to comfort him, even if only for a little bit.

I had a tough day today......nothing major, but everything together warranted a stop at Dairy Queen for a Oreo CheeseQuake Blizzard. Which was delicious by the way ;)

1) My sister left....she came for a whirl wind visit and took the train back to Michigan today. I love having her around - she's great with the kids, helps me out and in general is lovely to have around :) It makes me sad when she goes away.

2) We're not moving to Michigan....not shocking, I know :) Pat applied for a new job within his company. He had an interview last week, and he was notified today that he wasn't a final candidate. We knew when he applied it was a longshot, but it was impossible to keep my mind from running away with all the possibilities of moving back. I love Chicago....and I love my family, friends and network here. But if given the chance to move to Michigan to be closer to my immediate family I would take it in a heartbeat. I love Michigan. I have a very romantic relationship with the state. The Pure Michigan advertisements make me cry damn near EVERY time I hear or see them. I'm pretty sure they are advertising directly to me.

He prepared all he possibly could, he did his best, and I couldn't be more proud. Rejection sucks in any form - but Pat, I love you so much! And I'm proud of you regardless ;)

Now I have to re-train my brain to let go of living in Michigan again after that faint glimmer of hope.....I did it the first time shortly after Liam was born. Hopefully the process isn't quite as painful this time around.

3) I had an MRI....I've been having this ear thing for the past year and a half (I can't hear out of my right ear very well), and the doctor wants to make sure (in the words of the Governator) its Not a TU-Mah. The MRI itself wasn't awful. It was an hour of uninterrupted time - no kids, no tv, no husband, no internet....just me and the radio and the loud banging and whirring. The part I wasn't prepared for was that I had to have an IV so they could inject Gadolinium (Gd)......which leads me to my next point

4) Today was my last day breastfeeding Lola. We've been slowly weaning over the past few weeks, and this week left us with only one feeding a day, in the morning. Because of the injection of the contrast, I can't feed her for 48 hours....so instead of delaying the inevitable I decided that it would be best just to stop. I wasn't expecting it to be today, I'm not sure I'm emotionally prepared, but not much I can do now. She's more than ready....I'm just going to make sure to get my snuggles some other way. It's like I have to let go that she's not my itty bitty anymore, and just embrace the fact that she's a chunky monkey.....

So, lots of downs today....but at least things are more concrete than they were yesterday and we can continue moving on. I pray that God gives me the strength to pick myself back up, dust off, and forge ahead stronger than ever....and I have no doubt that I will.

Why I Photoshop

I think a lot of people have issues with the existence of Photoshop, and especially in the case of fashion / magazine photography and their unattainable versions of perfect people I can understand why.

But I edit photos, and I do use Photoshop. Not necessarily extensively, but sometimes I do create what Pat calls a "fake reality". I don't consider it that, though. There are a few different ways I use photoshop. One way is to create art - to make something on a canvas that matches a vision in my head, or in my client's head.

The other way that I utilize Photoshop, is to forgive the ever seeing eye of the lens. When you take a photograph, sometimes you see too much - more than you would notice if you were looking at the same subject in person. For example, if you were looking at me while I was taking my self portrait, you probably would not be focused on "Holy Cow - her eyebags are horrendous" or "Sheesh, she's got a lot of sun damage and freckles". Hopefully, you would be seeing me as a friend, a mother, a wife and a general all around nice gal :) I can transform what the camera sees, into what others see, and make an amazing image.

Does that make sense? Maybe I'm not explaining it well enough.

Anywhoozers - here's an example of pushing the envelope a bit...more in the style of fashion photography (but not *quite* as extreme). In actually, the original photo isn't half bad.....I had a TON of make up on....

Like I said...a bit extreme. I probably spent about 2 hours or so on this edit, where as a portrait touch up might only take about 30 minutes or less. I've been trying to improve my Photoshop skills and tools, and have been taking courses online - so what better way to practice than on myself! Want to know what I did here?

• Removed stray hairs on face
  
• Brightened eyes
• Highlighted catchlights in eyes
  
• Sharpened eyes
• Removed dark under eye circles
• Enhanced eyelashes & eyebrows
  
• Enhanced hair highlights
• Minimized bright spots on skin
  
• Removed blemishes
• Smoothed skin
• Enhanced make up
• Made a small smile from my weird half smirk

Extensive? Yes. Overdone? Perhaps....especially in the eye department. But you know what, I like it :) Its pretty. It makes me feel pretty - and if it takes a computer program to make myself feel pretty even for just a few moments, I'll take it :) I still feel like its the real me - so no false reality here, but its the best me that I could possibly be. Except for the smile. My mouth always does this weird frown thing when I try to close mouth smile. Its driven me nuts for YEARS!

What are your thoughts on retouching in general? I'm curious to know public perception!

Yardwork

Instead Of..., originally uploaded by karintobrien.

I do love myself some yard work. There's not much more wonderful than tackling a project and seeing the fruits of your labor not too many hours after. But man - is it W-O-R-K! Our latest home project was to remove a 50 sq ft patch of tiger lilies that resided smack dab in the middle of our front lawn. During this project, I came to a quite a few realizations.

1. Tiger Lilies are my arch nemesis. Although they are very pretty when they bloom in late summer, we have them all over our yard, and they pretty much choke out everything else they grow around. We learned recently, judging by their root growth, that they have probably been in the ground for quite a few years. The tubule system is extensive....and they are HUGE pain in the ass to dig up.

HUGE.

2. I have a new found respect for women I used to see in Mexico working and wearing a child on their back. Those of you who know me should be well aware that I'm a big baby wearing advocate, and partake in doing so quite regularly. Usually I'm just walking around or chasing after Liam while wearing Lola. During this recent project, I wore her on my back for the better part of an hour. While digging up lilies. EGADS! That is even harder to do than I imagined. Babywearing + Manual Labor = tough. All those women across the world who do it on a regular basis because they have no other choice just achieved more super hero status than before.

3. I need a nail brush. Even with gloves, dirt seems to get into every crevice. And although I contemplated using it today, I shouldn't utilize our bottle brush to get the goop out of my nails.

4. Any project that involves completion while the kids are nearby automatically takes 10,000 times longer. But it certainly is adorable when they help....or even when they sit and play in the dirt and get filthy. Not adorable? When they are in the Cozy Coupe and repeatedly headed near the street. That makes me kind of jumpy.

5. Working outside affords visibility and more interaction with neighbors. I just found out today that our neighbor had a baby....a month ago. YIKES! Granted, they just moved in a few months ago and we don't see much of them, but I feel like I should have known.

6. I'm out of shape. I really am motivated to complete a project after I start, even if that means I'm working myself to the bone....way beyond my physical capacity. I just want things to be done! This is a positive quality to have in general....but now I'm so tired and sore that it kind of hurts to type. I may have pulled something. Or somethings. I've also realized that I'm filthy to the max.....so I'm going to stop typing and try to relax in a hot shower for a while.

I'm hoping the sod takes well in the front...it already looks nicer than the glob of lilies intertwined with weeds and grass :)

Cheesy Girl

Cheesy Girl, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

I've got to say, I'm love love loving my iPhone. If for no other reason than I have a halfway decent camera on my person at alllllll times! Much better than the camera on my last phone.....AND I downloaded the awesome-est app called Hipstamatic which creates all these incredible images to look like they were taken with retro cameras and film. I'm so in love!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

StPats2010-391, originally uploaded by karintobrien.

I hope everyone out there has the time to sip on a delicious Irish brew - hopefully of the Guinness variety.....if not at least a Bud Light dyed green like we had last night! That went deliciously with our corned beef and cabbage (er...brussel sprouts). We had to celebrate early because Pat as of 7;30AM is on his way to Vegas for his (5th? 6th?) annual March Madness trip with his brother, Mike.

This photo is of my delicious green velvet cake balls along side a sweet little treat bucket from our playgroup at Laura's house yesterday. I'm quite enamored with both (although the cake balls are almost gone). The little bucket just makes me happy!

I kind of went overboard for St. Patrick's Day this year.....its only 8AM , Lola is in "Baby's 1st St. Patrick's Day" jammies, and Liam and I already have Shamrock tatoos on our hands, green necklaces and our green shirts on - oh and don't forget the shamrock sticker on our faces! As you can see in the photo, my table cloth and wall decor is quite festive as well. The color green just makes me just a wee bit happy.

So happy, in fact, that it made me chuckle when all my green food consumption yesterday left us both with (in the words of Pat) "quite festive poop" this morning. HA!