Lonely Planet

I’m not even sure if I’m going to post this on the blog, even though I know I should. My expatriate experience would not be complete if I didn’t convey the wild range of emotions that I go through at any given time. So, if you’re reading this – welcome to my real world :) Its not like I’m a wild and crazy psycho or some super duper freak or something, but these emotions may contradict the image that some people may have of me…….

Here it goes. I’m completely co-dependant. I pretend to be this self sufficient independent take over the world person, and I really am not. At all. Case in point – I have not NOT had a boyfriend/male companion for more than a month since I was 14 years old. I’m not sure if its because I need to be needed, or if I just need to have someone there for me. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends and family who are there for me at any time, but for some reason I have always needed and had a man in my life. Which is also strange because 3 out of the 4 serious relationships I have had in my life have been long distance ones. I suppose I feel like I need the security while having the freedom as well.

The difference now being that I had an established life before I met any of these men, and had plenty of friends and activities to occupy my time while we were apart. Now, its quite different. Right now, because I don’t know the city and don’t have the energy to go out and explore I have a lot of free time at night. So, what do I do? Pine. Yearn and pine. Cry, yearn and pine. Most nights are not that bad to handle, but occasionally, there is the anomaly. Such is tonight. I’m lonely, sad, and in desperate need of comfort, and there is no one here to do so. Tonight, Chicago feels like a million miles away. I know I can’t have a hug or a gentle kiss, but sometimes, like now, even a phone call isn’t feasible. And it really sucks. And, of course, it feels like the end of the world.

I talked to my ever wise mother, and she gently reminded me that I need to learn to stand on my own two feet – even if it stinks. And she’s right, because I have never been able to do that on my own; there has always been a crutch. I shouldn’t have to rely on any one person to lift my spirits, or make my day. I need to make my own sunshine. Not that doing so makes me love Pat O’Brien any less or need him any less. It just will make me more self reliant, hopefully a better person, and maybe able to maybe fix the things about myself that are less than stellar and that have contributed to things going awry in previous relationships. Or, if nothing else, it will help me cry less….because I think I’m running out of tears!